The Newness is Always There

There's this feeling of newness about me. I'm finally getting beyond the point of simple survival, and I'm setting goals and finding time for just me. No one else but me. No more sugar coating anything. I'm going to tell it how it is. No excuses. If I really want what I say it is I want, then I'm not going to be ashamed of it anymore and I'm going to put it out there. I'm being strong and assertive because I can!

And there it is: The Guilt. The Selfishness?

I have a baby now. Should I really focus on ME? Shouldn't I focus on him? Here I am setting goals and making plans for myself. What about him? Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm forgetting he's there or that I am pushing his needs off to the side. I live every day for him. But at the same time I'm determined to go back to school, determined to continue setting goals and achieving more. And I don't give a damn about what anyone else thinks. No one is going to hold me back.

That's the attitude that makes my insides feel out of whack. The newness is always there, and I can't decide if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I'm a people pleaser by nature, but now I'm being assertive and speaking up for myself. "No one puts Baby in a corner" sort of thing. The problem is that I wonder if this newness is making me cold and hardened. I feel like I should apologize after I've stood up for myself. What the hell is that?!

My counselor told me I should be proud that I'm starting to become a less emotional thinker, and in some instances I am. But this new go-getter attitude makes me question myself. It's like I'm not sure that I can really say that I'm living for my son, because I'm all about improving me. But I've been put in a situation where self-discovery is a necessity, right? I need to figure out who I am, what I want, and where I want to be for HIM, right?

The newness is always there. And I am constantly questioning it every step of the way...