Want vs. Need

To Want: to feel a need or a desire for; wish for
To Need: to have need of; require
Notice the difference? To FEEL a need versus actually needing. Yep, I almost missed it, too. Thank you, Dictionary.com.

Question: Do I NEED a man?
Answer: No, I've been surviving without one for a while now.

Question: Do I WANT a man?
Answer: Yes, I'm so sick of not having someone.

Question: Can I handle a man right now?
Answer: HELL NO!!!!!

Oh my, the idea of wanting versus needing someone in my life is literally exhausting me. Deep down I know that I don't need someone to lead me to where I'm going, and I've actually been enjoying the adventure of not having someone to do that. I also know (and this seems REALLY in the deep-downs of me) that there is no way that I could possibly be in a healthy relationship right now, and if that's the case, what's the point? But that doesn't mean that I don't want it...

It all boils down to where I'm "supposed to be" versus reality. I don't want my little guy to be in second or third grade before I find the REAL right one, or until he gets a sibling. That wasn't the plan. Then again, neither was divorce. I'm feeling increasingly lost and kind of hopeless about the whole thing. It's not because I don't think I'm pretty or have anything to offer, but I just can't see myself meeting Mr. Right way out here. For some reason, and I honestly don't know why this is, I think it would be much easier to find him at home. Maybe it's because I know more people there already, but that doesn't make any sense either.

I've sort of been putting pressure on myself about all of this, and it's led to a few emotional breakdowns (but I'm also done calling them that. From now on, they're hiccups). I wonder if the pressure comes from the ex having a girl in his life. I know that he probably isn't in the right place for a relationship either, but that doesn't make it any easier. At least he has someone.

This whole issue has been really eating away at me, so I've decided to table it. They say you find the right one when you aren't looking (and as I've said before, I know in the deep-downs of myself that I can't), so I quit. I'm officially not looking! There, it's in writing, I'm NOT LOOKING!!!!

That being said, if nothing has happened by January 1st, I'm starting internet dating. (I know I can't believe it either). I may not be officially ready for a relationship by then, but I can always go have a good time, right? A deadline actually takes the pressure off, interestingly enough. It gives me four more months to really focus on myself. Good idea? I hope so!