Fourth of July has always been right up there next to Christmas as being one of my favorite holidays. It goes way back to growing up and being with literally my entire extended family (and then some) every year on the Big LV. It was that way for years and the family still goes for the Fourth, but it's changed a lot since Grampa died, and we didn't get up there for it anymore. So we started going to the local park at home with a big group of friends. Not quite as good, but it did the job and I was with my fiance, which made it perfect.
2010 was the first year in 11 that I didn't spend the Fourth of July with my husband, and I have been dreading it for a few weeks. There's something romantic about watching the fireworks while you're snuggled up next to the person you love. And no matter how many times I tried to shake it, I couldn't get over the fact that there was a very real chance that he would be snuggling with someone else.
I celebrated with some friends in a new place, for the first time. As much as my divorce was a topic of conversation (it seems that it is a lot of the time and that needs to change), I didn't miss him and I had a really good time. That's something I've been noticing about myself lately.
When we were together, I would miss him. I would go for a day or an evening without him and genuinely miss him. I couldn't wait to get home. And the worst part about that was that I gave only part of myself to the people I was with. He was always in the back of my mind. "I wonder what he's doing." "What would we be doing right now if I wasn't here?" "I wish it would be time for me to go already." Yes, I really had those thoughts. They weighed me down and kept me from truly enjoying myself. I would literally be carrying on a conversation and never really be "present" for it. And the thing is, it's not like I was ever missing out on anything amazing while we were apart. Instead I was missing amazing things with my friends.
That feeling has for the most part disappeared now. Now the "I wonder what he's doing" thought only sneaks up when I'm alone. When I see my friends it does feel different because he's not there, but I AM there. It feels really good to be myself and feel like I am enjoying myself without being haunted by those stealthy little thoughts.
Tonight I watched fireworks. And even though I didn't get to watch them with him, I did snuggle with someone I love, my son. Sounds cheesy and I hate that sappy stuff, but I did realize that tonight. Whether or not I have someone in that romantic sense, I will always have that little boy.
To sum it all up, I didn't feel lonely, and I didn't think about my husband being with someone else. I was completely present with some wonderful people and I got to watch fireworks with the only man who matters right now.
The steady climb to the top continues...
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