My Gift

We're going through 1 Corinthians at church. Given my current situation, I wasn't thrilled about all the marriage talk, but nevertheless there I sit. The message today was about being given either the "gift" of singleness or the "gift" of marriage and what it is that the big man really wants for us. Deep down I know that I have the gift of marriage, mostly because I don't see myself as a single person. I know that I will have more kids and a husband who loves me all the way.

But while I was sitting there it dawned on me that I'm actually getting a "gift" of singleness right now. It's a horribly painful one to be receiving and it is every bit as terrible as I imagined on that evening in May when the fate of this marriage was sealed as a failed one. You see, if I haven't said this before, I'm someone who believes that everything in life happens for a reason. It isn't always easy to see or even come close to understanding, but there is a big master plan for all of us.

I will finally admit, on paper, and not just to myself that what I'm going through right now has a purpose. While I don't know all of it yet, I will say that I have no doubt about a couple things.

1. I have tremendous strength. People keep telling me how amazed they are, but I look at it as not having a choice. I have to be strong for my little guy. It isn't something that I tried to be, I just am.
2. I can be independent and feel so much better about myself because of it. I never realized how much I depended on my husband until he was gone, but now that he is and I'm on my own, I feel much better about myself.

There are still two big questions though: Why here, why Buckeye? and Why with a brand new baby?!?!
The only thing I can come up with so far is the whole independence thing again. If I had been home, it would have been too easy to run to my parents. But here I'm forced to be completely on my own, and I can't lie I'm grateful for that. And maybe E because I had to have a reason not to curl up in a little hole and be sorry for myself. I can honestly say that is probably where I would have been if not for him. There's no doubt that no matter what happens between his father and me, that little boy is the best thing that has ever happened to me!
I still think there's more to it than that though, and I'm anxious to see what that is. But I understand that God does things on his own time so I'll wait...or try to.

Over the past two weeks I've really started to put some roots down in Buckeye. Between getting back to church (with some wonderful people I might add), hanging out with some Busy Bees, and meeting the "pseudo-new" neighbors I've started to find a place here that isn't just Buckeye Elementary. It's a really good thing.

While it is beyond difficult at times to think of my new singleness (and it isn't just the lack of a man in my life so much as the being on my own part) as a gift, I got a new perspective on this today. I should be very thankful to have this opportunity that I've never had before, and I should make the most of it. I know that at the end of the day, I will be married again, but I'm going to try my damnedest to embrace this "gift" and learn from it. It's still a long way to trudge, and there are still a whole lot of obstacles, but really and truly God doesn't give you what you can't handle. I can handle this gift. And I will.